I am not sure how this blog will be received or if I should write it at all. So at the very start of it I will apologise to anyone I may offend or can't understand the reasoning behind it.
Sunday is the anniversary of 9/11. I remember watching the event on my PC at work, watching in horror the events unfolding. Watching as the twin towers collapse. Feeling for those who have died and the people they have left behind. Why can I not have those feelings now? Why do I turn over when anything comes on about it? Yesterday I broke down when a relative was being interviewed and it hit me, it was jealously. You see 2 1/2 years ago my son died, no one was remembering him, TV programs were not mentioning him, February 2nd is not remembered as a world event, why not? I was hurting just as much as that relative being interviewed and I cried. I cried on and off most of the day for Kristian, my died son, I am crying writing this. I wanted to shout out to the TV "Who remembers my son, is his death any less hurtful? Is he not worth remembering?". No one really apart from his family remembers him in reality.
How could I be so sick not to feel for these families who are feeling the grief I am? I don't really know except that grief of a child, your child, you can't really know how hard it is. Parents die, brothers & sisters die, that is the natural course of life. That is the natural way of things, you expect it, maybe not when they are only 29 though. Yes, you grieve, it hurts but to know you will never see your child again, never to give him a hug that he always wanted, that is different. That is a different type of grief. I have lost both parents and my eldest brother.
Kristian did have a hard life. At nine months meningitis, luckily with no ill effects. Then at 9 years old the accident he never got over. He fell downstairs as we were setting off for a wedding up north. The hospital give him the all clear but a few weeks later he developed epilepsy. He suffered from it until he died, they never really managed to control it. Aged 11 he had a tumour removed from the left side of his brain, that was where they thought the epilepsy was emanating from. That did not really help and had the adverse affect of stopping certain parts of his development & giving him a stammer. A large part of him remain aged 11.
When his mother left, the children stayed with me. Kristian's seizures did reduce and he was working for a supermarket. He was getting more confident with life and I thought he was making good progress. The girls were or had left home, Uni, work, etc. I thought it was time for me to move on. I wanted to move back to Scotland, where my mother and brother lived and I used to. With my new partner and now wife, we had the opportunity to buy the village shop. Kristian knew Milton Keynes and wanted to stay there. I thought he deserved the chance to live his own life, that is the right of every child. Getting the council to find him a place was not easy. I had to say I was throwing him out and making him homeless, not an easy thing to say. I arranged for him to have a social worker as he need someone to spur him on to look after himself. I knew he would not do it on his own. What he actually needed was sheltered housing with a home help once a day, finding that is impossible. He was not classed as "severely disabled".s
I started my new life and Kris his. He seemed to enjoy himself. He would come up and visit, either flying up or by coach. As time went on his seizures returned, he became less confident afraid to fly in case he had a fit, Social Services had abandoned him, they said he could look after himself, he could not. He was starting to be afraid to go out in case he had a seizure and ended up in hospital, as he had on a number of occasions. He was not the worlds best cook but what 11 year old is?
He was found dead by his mother one Monday morning. No one had heard from his for a few days. He was lying on his bed. The autopsy could not say how long he had been there for, He died from clogged up heart due to a poor diet and lack of exercise aged 29.
How could that happen to my son? How had I let that happen to him? It was entirely preventable! I should of been more forceful insisted that I took charged of things.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself but as the name of this blog says a grieving Dad does have irrational feelings. It is over 2 years since Kris died, I still cannot really look at his photo's, especially those of him as an adult. I still blame myself. I wonder what he would be like today if he had been more careful on the stairs. He was a very bright child, a leader in his group, fun and very caring. He loved his family more than anything. The fun, caring and love of his family never left him, that part of him was still the same Kris.
So why can't i watch programs, interviews about 9/11? People saying that day that changed the world. The day that changed my world was not 9/11 but 2/2. There are so many other's out there with their own 2/2's please remember those. Losing a child whether it is 9/11, 2/2, 6/8 or what ever date is world changing for them. A day they will never recover from.
Sunday is the anniversary of 9/11. I remember watching the event on my PC at work, watching in horror the events unfolding. Watching as the twin towers collapse. Feeling for those who have died and the people they have left behind. Why can I not have those feelings now? Why do I turn over when anything comes on about it? Yesterday I broke down when a relative was being interviewed and it hit me, it was jealously. You see 2 1/2 years ago my son died, no one was remembering him, TV programs were not mentioning him, February 2nd is not remembered as a world event, why not? I was hurting just as much as that relative being interviewed and I cried. I cried on and off most of the day for Kristian, my died son, I am crying writing this. I wanted to shout out to the TV "Who remembers my son, is his death any less hurtful? Is he not worth remembering?". No one really apart from his family remembers him in reality.
How could I be so sick not to feel for these families who are feeling the grief I am? I don't really know except that grief of a child, your child, you can't really know how hard it is. Parents die, brothers & sisters die, that is the natural course of life. That is the natural way of things, you expect it, maybe not when they are only 29 though. Yes, you grieve, it hurts but to know you will never see your child again, never to give him a hug that he always wanted, that is different. That is a different type of grief. I have lost both parents and my eldest brother.
Kristian did have a hard life. At nine months meningitis, luckily with no ill effects. Then at 9 years old the accident he never got over. He fell downstairs as we were setting off for a wedding up north. The hospital give him the all clear but a few weeks later he developed epilepsy. He suffered from it until he died, they never really managed to control it. Aged 11 he had a tumour removed from the left side of his brain, that was where they thought the epilepsy was emanating from. That did not really help and had the adverse affect of stopping certain parts of his development & giving him a stammer. A large part of him remain aged 11.
When his mother left, the children stayed with me. Kristian's seizures did reduce and he was working for a supermarket. He was getting more confident with life and I thought he was making good progress. The girls were or had left home, Uni, work, etc. I thought it was time for me to move on. I wanted to move back to Scotland, where my mother and brother lived and I used to. With my new partner and now wife, we had the opportunity to buy the village shop. Kristian knew Milton Keynes and wanted to stay there. I thought he deserved the chance to live his own life, that is the right of every child. Getting the council to find him a place was not easy. I had to say I was throwing him out and making him homeless, not an easy thing to say. I arranged for him to have a social worker as he need someone to spur him on to look after himself. I knew he would not do it on his own. What he actually needed was sheltered housing with a home help once a day, finding that is impossible. He was not classed as "severely disabled".s
I started my new life and Kris his. He seemed to enjoy himself. He would come up and visit, either flying up or by coach. As time went on his seizures returned, he became less confident afraid to fly in case he had a fit, Social Services had abandoned him, they said he could look after himself, he could not. He was starting to be afraid to go out in case he had a seizure and ended up in hospital, as he had on a number of occasions. He was not the worlds best cook but what 11 year old is?
He was found dead by his mother one Monday morning. No one had heard from his for a few days. He was lying on his bed. The autopsy could not say how long he had been there for, He died from clogged up heart due to a poor diet and lack of exercise aged 29.
How could that happen to my son? How had I let that happen to him? It was entirely preventable! I should of been more forceful insisted that I took charged of things.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself but as the name of this blog says a grieving Dad does have irrational feelings. It is over 2 years since Kris died, I still cannot really look at his photo's, especially those of him as an adult. I still blame myself. I wonder what he would be like today if he had been more careful on the stairs. He was a very bright child, a leader in his group, fun and very caring. He loved his family more than anything. The fun, caring and love of his family never left him, that part of him was still the same Kris.
So why can't i watch programs, interviews about 9/11? People saying that day that changed the world. The day that changed my world was not 9/11 but 2/2. There are so many other's out there with their own 2/2's please remember those. Losing a child whether it is 9/11, 2/2, 6/8 or what ever date is world changing for them. A day they will never recover from.
Do you never ask why social services abandoned him
ReplyDeleteI have a sister who has a mental/emotional age of about 10/12 and believe me I know how difficult this is to manage
A 10/12 year old that has lived a whole life
She feels independent and is She worked until she was old but emotionally she is very difficult
The only way I can cope with the deaths of my sons is to know with a surety that cannot be moved where they are
No matter what happened to him here your son is now at peace with no fear pain unhappiness or anything that could hurt him
My youngest son was only one week old when he died many years ago
My oldest was 34 when he died of cancer
He had been married one year
He struggled with this awful illness for three years and in the end their was nothing else they could do and my prayers were for God to take him quickly
Thankfully he answered my prayers
But he managed the most amazing feat just before he died he drove to the holy shrine at Knock just two weeks before he died
I can also cope knowing that in their own way they did change the world
I discovered years after my youngest son died that they had taken all his organs at post mortem
I chaired the parents in Scotland whose children had organs removed
I fought tooth and nail for full disclosure for all the parents in Scotland
I did not get all I wanted but I did achieve somethings
With my oldest son I was involved in the Cancer care inquiry through Scottish Parliament
I believe to this day that if Nicola Sturgeon had been Cabinet secretary for Health
My son would be alive
Then again I also believe with these very lovely young people that God simply wants them home